October 27, 2014
No, Im not officially Facebook friends with Taylor Swift. Yes, this is a blog I have started to dedicate to time spent with friends. Now that we have that straight I am writing this because I feel like she deserves a spot on my blog just like all of my friends do because her music has been very near and dear to me. I have taken a lot of crap over the years for being such an "old" TS fan well now I have my own special place in this world to explain the background as to how my adoration started and how it kept blooming.
I can remember the very first time I heard her voice. It was her first hit "Tim McGraw". I was with Amber (Morris) Alexander. Do you remember Amber? Im thinking it was sometime in 2006, we were at the movie theater in Muncie. I have no idea what movie we were seeing but the music was playing before the credits started. (Wow, this shows that this was a long time ago because I was actually somewhere early lol.) Anyways, I wasn't paying attention to the song but Amber kept telling me to stop talking because she was listening. She kept saying things like, "Wow" ,"This person sounds amazing" " Have you heard this before?" "Who sings this?" I remember not caring whatsoever. At the end of the song her name showed up on the bottom of the screen with the song title and it confirmed that neither of us had ever heard of her.
Now lets flash forward to Fall/Christmas 2008. At this point Taylor has released her Fearless album. There were a few hits on the radio and I remember buying it, (I think I can remember every retail purchase because it isn't something that happens too often) . At this point in my life I was a mess. I have gone through several rough patches in my young adult life but this one was pretty monumental.
I guess we need to flash back again for me to explain. :) Stick with me its a good story....
College was one of the most stressful times of my life. I somehow managed to work full time between two jobs, one working with special needs folks in Muncie, and the second on weekends working as a home health aide an hour away from campus. I also carried a full class load of 12-15 credits every semester. I did all this trying to keep my debt minimal but it had a great toll on me. I had numerous panic attacks and suffered from depression. At one time I was medicated by the school psychiatrist but I had such a high standard for myself and everything that I did that I refused to stay on the meds which just made life even harder and things worse for me. Despite of all this I was still a "Christian" but I absolutely kept God on the back burner. I would pray to God and tell him repeatedly that when the chaos of receiving an education came to an end I would find a church and spend more time with Him.
During this time I had a relationship with someone who became my best friend. He was my comforter, my rock, the calm in the storm of the chaos around me. He was clean cut, straight laced, a goody two shoes if you will. He was my support and turned into my family. His family became my family. I remember calling his mom frequently to ask advice or words of encouragement and even though she lived so far away she would be there for me both physically and emotionally. We were all close and had so much in common. He dried many of my tears and forced me to "suck it up", "buckle down" and finish college strong. I felt that these people were my sole supporters. After about a year and a half of dating we found a house together that he bought and I moved in. It seemed like the perfect scenario for my last semester of college. I had taken an internship in Indianapolis but was still a BSU student and had to be on campus on occasion. So we were able to live together and I was able to get rid of a pricey lease while I worked at an unpaid internship 40 hours a week. All while still keeping my paying job as a HHA at the hospital part time.
All the hard work finally paid off in May of 2008, I was able to finally receive my four year degree in only three years. I graduated with my Bachelor's in Social Work and immediately accepted a position with the foster care agency in which I had completed the internship with. A midst all of this excitement of graduation and a new job I did not forget my promise to God. I started going back to church in July of 2008 (the same month I accepted the position as a case manager). I remember praying to God saying that I would accept the position, but only with His guidance. I could not make decisions that affected these precious little lives on my own.
So there I was fresh out of college, living with my best friend, a full case load of new foster parents and their kids, and a promise to God to find a church and worship Him. I wasn't sure where to start looking for a church so I decided to go to the one that was in walking distance from our house. Oaklandon Christian Church. We passed it almost daily on our 5 mile walks that we did with our dogs. I started going. I liked it. I kept going. After a couple of months of going to church by myself I had a conversation with my boyfriend about coming too. His response was that he didnt want to attend because he didnt believe in God. His faith was not like mine. Then I realized that the person who had been my rock, my comforter and my calm for so long was not the person that God wanted me to be with. I felt as if I was supporting the weight of the world on my chest.
So there I was feeling utterly alone and living a life that was so disheveled. I didnt have a house, I was losing my best friend, all of the routine that I was striving from was just up and gone. Anyone who knows me understands how I thrive on neatness, organization, and structure. Well this was the opposite extreme. All the plans that I had in my head were changed drastically in the blink of an eye. I was forced to move out of the home and trust in the Lord that his plans were much greater than what mine were. I forced myself to go to work everyday and help children and their parents process how to deal with the trauma that had happened to them. All the while I myself was broken and falling apart. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I tried desperately to fight off the panic that I knew would take over if I wasnt strong enough to fight it off. This all occurred Fall of 2008 and this is when TS's Fearless album was released.
I listened to the album pretty much nonstop when I was in the car for a few months. I wasnt listening just to the music but the actual lyrics. I didnt know how someone much younger than me( I think she would have been 17 when the album was released) could understand just how I was feeling. She not only wrote down the words to match my emotions but she came up with music and could perform as well. What talent!
Excerpts from the song Breathe
"I see your face in my mind as i drive away cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way people are people and sometimes we change our minds but its killing me to see you go after all this time"
"Its 2 am, feeling like I just lost a friend hope you know its not easy for me. We know its never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no one is here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand , I cant breathe without you but I have to."
If you have ever listened to the album you will know that aside from Love Story and The Best Day (Both of which I didnt know were soon to come in my life) most of the songs are break up songs. I can vividly remember sitting in my beat up car tears streaming and just belting out this album.
The last song on the album is Change. I like it. Little did I know "change" was about to come into my life. Here are the words to the chorus.
" Because these things will change can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. this revolution, the time will come, for us to finally win, we sing hallelujah, we sing hallelujah.
Tonight we'll stand. get off our knees, fight for what we have worked for all these years. the battle was long, it was the fight of our lives but we will stand up champions tonight. "
In the album booklet there's a letter from Taylor to her fans. I read it several times and again just thought, "Wow" I'm not going to copy the whole thing but here is some of what it says that I felt spoke to me exactly when I needed it to.
"Fearless is not the absence of fear, its not being completely unafraid. To me fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts lots of them to me fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again even though you've been hurt before. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone even if you find it hard to breathe without them. Allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Moving on and being alright is fearless too. No matter what love throws at you you have to believe in love stories, and prince charmings, and happily ever afters because love is fearless."
Even though this was such a trying time for me I was stronger than I had been in the past. This was not my first break up. It wasnt even the hardest break up. I believe that emotionally I was so much stronger not just because of this album because of the strength that I had received through faith. I was fighting the urge to go down the path of self destruction that I had gone down in the past. I had faith that things would get better.There was a life waiting for me that was much bigger than I could have imagined. I knew of the life that I was destined to have but I was on God's timing.
So Springing forward to the Spring of 2009, at this point my life is physically a mess. I tried working as much as possible and bounced from living with friend to friend with just the bare necessities because the majority of my belongings are in a storage unit. I wasnt exactly emotionally stable because life was still so unpredictable both at work and home.
I was dating sporadically just to pass the time. I was adamant of what I wanted in a person and I was not wanting to waiver from my list. A list you ask? Yes. A list. A woman pastor at my church had given me a book titled "Two Dates or Less". It was about being able to pursue your spouse quickly yet correctly. Since obviously all of my long term relationships have failed I needed some help in this department. One of the chapters in the book is about making a list of 10 musts and 10 must nots that you want in a person. So I made the list and kept it in my purse. And as I would meet people I could see if they made the cut. :)
One of my friends/therapists that I worked with mentioned that I should meet his nephew. Since I already had known this therapist for a couple of years I felt pretty comfortable with meeting a member of his family since I have heard so many stories about various members any ways. I think he called him right there from his office and gave him my phone number. He called me that night it was April 15th, on April 17th we met for the first time at his work parking lot, on April 19th he made me dinner because he was too broke to actually take me on a real date. At this point after knowing of his existence for four days I laid it all out and told him that I was looking for a husband and not a boyfriend. I had already played house and this wasnt something that I was going to be doing again. I figured I would wait for him to be scared away by this but he wasnt because on April 26th, I went to his parents house to meet not only his mom but his sister, brother in law and grandmother. His mother greeted me with the biggest hug and was so happy to see I wasnt covered in tattoos and I didnt have any children yet. The following week on May 3rd he attended church with me and was so happy to be there. I remember him saying how nice everyone was and how welcomed he felt. (Little did he know I was greeting at the door that day and every familiar face I saw I told them to go over and say hi to him since it was his first time there haha)
It was the first week in May, we were talking and he explained to me that he understood that it was crazy but that he felt that he already loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And low and behold guess what song comes on within an hour of this conversation. Love Story. (Probably because back then they played it every hour on the hour but still it was magical and I cried)
"You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, Its a love story baby just say yes!"
"Marry me Juliet, youll never have to be alone, I love you and that's all I really know, I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress, its a love story baby just say yes!"
We were moving into our house four months later and seven months after that we had our wedding. We had a whirlwind of joy and happiness. We had six months as newlyweds before we welcomed our first baby girl. She was born the same week as TS's album Speak Now was released.
Taylor again writes a letter to her fans stating that the album Speak Now is about words that were never spoken at the right time. She talks about how words can break someone into a million pieces but they can also put someone back together She encourages fans to uses words for good because the only words you'll regret more than the ones not said are the ones that are said to intentionally hurt others.
This album I bought the day it came out. I considered myself such a fan and since her first album had such a healing effect on me that I had to have it. It was released 4 days after the baby was born. I remember sitting and rocking my new baby and listening to Never Grow Up. I had tears streaming down my face.
"Your little hands wrapped around my finger and its so quiet in the world tonight, your little eyelids flutter cause youre dreaming so I tuck you in and turn on your favorite night light. You got nothing to regret Id give all I have honey if you could stay like that."
"Oh darling, dont you ever grow up, dont you ever grow up, please stay this little, it could stay this simple, I wont let nobody hurt you, wont let no one break your heart and no one will desert you, just try to never grow up."
I cried while listening to this song so many times in the first few months of having a new baby. I really digested the words. I made promises to my newborn that she wouldnt ever have to feel alone in this world because I would never desert her or make her feel like she had to go at life alone. The message of the song isnt just about not wanting your kids to grow up but its about savoring the moments that they have when they are little because growing up is inevitable. Its not something we can stop. The lyrics go on to talk about cherishing the moments of rocking them to sleep, turning on their favorite night light, memorizing the way their rooms look, the words that they say, the sound of their footsteps because before we know it they will be dropped off at their apartments, living on their own and turning on their own nightlight before bed.
As a newlywed I just loved the songs Mine and Sparks Fly. Again, Taylor had captured in words the way I was feeling about life and my new husband.
From Mine
"Flash forward we are taking on the world together, theres a drawer of my things at your place, you learn my secrets and you figure out why Im guarded, you say we will never make our parents mistakes, but we got bills to pay, we got nothing figured out"
"Everytime I look at you its like the first time, I fell in love with a careless mans careful daughter, she is the best thing thats ever been mine."
From Sparks Fly
"Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain, kiss me on the sidewalk take away the pain, cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile" "Im on guard for the rest of the world but with you I know its no good" "Lead me up the staircase wont you whisper nice and slow, Im captivated by you baby like a fireworks show."
Wow, just wow. I am amazed at the feeling behind the words. I remember the delicate intimacy of our first months together. The moments when I was captivated by everything that he did. I didnt want to take my eyes off of him because he was the bomb diggity. (see this is why Im not a song writer, bomb diggity. ???) But really just to put into words the feelings that you get when "sparks fly" being with your love. How romantic is the visual of dropping everything you are doing being grabbed in the pouring rain and just having the most passionate kiss. One that washes away the pain and hurts left by all others. (in real life I may be totally ticked to stand in the rain for a make out session but the gesture/visual behind it seems pretty romantic and awesome.)
Two years later 2012, TS's Red album is released. Im now working full time as a client care coordinator. I have a 2 year old and Im 4 months pregnant. We our setting the course to pay off all our debt and to beef up our savings account so that we can live on one income with two children. I remember buying the album probably with a cart full of junk food as well because thats all I could tolerate eating in each pregnancy. Im sure there was yet again some great words of wisdom tucked into the book of the cd. I didnt read it this time around because my free time was limited. The stresses that a pregnancy, toddler and a job put on me were many. But yet again, Taylor was there in full glory to brighten up the winter. I, of course, had the cd playing on repeat for months again. I remember my boss getting into the passenger seat one day and questioning me???What is this music? Im sure I answered with an eye roll and a " Duh, its TS!" From that day on I caught crap at the office for being a fan. :) I threatened to put up a poster in my office but settled for a wall calendar instead.
The Red album also has a theme of different kinds of loves. This time around I didnt have to live it as I was listening to it. I could just basque in the joy that I didnt have to live that way anymore! Its easy for me to read the lyrics to some songs and think, "Yeah, Ive loved like that." Thats what makes it so great and relatable. What girl hasnt sat back and thought, "We are never, ever getting back together." or fallen for a guy that we knew was "Trouble". As soon as he walked into the door? and I dont know about you but I really dont ever want to be "22" again. The song that hits most to home even now on the album is the song, State of Grace, where she says,
"You were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrong, this love is brave and wild. This is the state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight, love is a ruthless fight unless you play it good and right, these are the hands of fate, you're my Achilles heal, this is the golden age of something good, and right and real." "I never saw you coming and Ill never be the same."
I never saw you coming and Ill never be the same. Yes, so true for our love. As we are coming up on our fifth anniversary its amazing to see how much a life can change. We were a perfect match and exactly what each other needed. Its so easy to go through the day to day not knowing whats around the corner or if we will really ever obtain the goals that we have set for ourselves to reach. Im so blessed to be one of the lucky ones that not only gets the privilege to be living healthy and happy but I get to be doing exactly what I had planned with the man that God had planned for me to be with.
Every good movie has to have an awesome soundtrack and if my life were to have a soundtrack I think that Taylor would be the one who has already written it. Her newest album, 1989, was released this week and all I know about it is that the "Haters are gonna hate x5 and the players are gonna play x5". Can I get an amen? Im assuming that I wont be living out the lyrics this time around unless of course she has songs on there about endless amounts of laundry that needs folding or mild psychosis brought on by endless nights of not sleeping. Regardless, Im still looking forward to buying it and enjoying it for years to come as I have her other three albums. I believe that she will always hold a special place in my life.
With all that said don't EVEN get me started on Keith Urban.
